DORM JOKES

A new teacher at Goldings was trying to make use of his psychology course he had been on. He started the class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, please stand up!" After a few seconds, Brian Ball stood up the only one in the class. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Brian?" "No, sir but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

1. Two blondes walk into a building... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
 
2. Phone answering machine message... "If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..." 

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts." 

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
 
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. 
He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
 
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" 
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

8. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a muscle.
 
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
 
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself. 

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it." 

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' 
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." 
"Is it common?" 
"It's not unusual." 

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" 
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" 
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then sucks his teeth. 
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." 
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? " 
"No, because he's really heavy" 

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." 
"How's that?" 
"Don't you start."
 
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff... boom, boom! 

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fish.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
 
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.
 
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other. "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bst**d!" 

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
 
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places." The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore" 

A Goldings boys goes to his mate's fancy dress party with nothing but a naked girl on his back. "So what on earth are you supposed to be?" the host asks. "I'm a snail." The Goldings boy replies. "What a load of rubbish!" spits his host. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that naked girl on your back?" "That's not any naked girl, mate," the Goldings boy replies, "that's Michelle."

A boy who had learnt his trade at Goldings in the Painting and decorating dept, had also learnt quite a few tricks of the trade and as he very interested in making a penny where he could to this end he often thinned down his paint to make it go further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually a local Church decided to do a big restoration job to the outside, Paul put in a bid, and, because his price was keen, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, quite a lot of turpentine. Paul was up on the scaffolding, painting away with the the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Wayne clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
Paul felt it was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried: "Oh, God, forgive me...... what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...

"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

An old Goldings boy was speeding in his car when he notices a blue flashing light behind him, so he pulls over. As the policeman checks his licence, he says to the man, “Look, it’s my birthday today, I want to get home early. If you can give me an good excuse that I haven’t heard before I might let you off.”

The GOB thinks for a moment, then says: “Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman” I was afraid that when you stopped me, You wanted to give her back.”

“HAVE A NICE WEEKEND, Sir!!" Said the Policeman.

It's Tough Being 80

Three old  men were discussing aging at the nursing home.

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.

"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble crapping?" "No, I crap every morning at 6:30."

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."

Brian Ball

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An old Goldings boy and his elderly wife had been watching their favourite TV program, during the commercial break he turned to his wife and said "what ever happened to our sexual relations?"

After a long thoughtful silence the wife replied "You know, I don't think we even got a Christmas Card from them either this year"

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A Goldings boys has been married two weeks when he said to his wife " Darling your so beautiful, but really stupid, how can that be? His wife thought for a moment and said " God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me. God also made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

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A Goldings boy had been visiting a local prostitute in local village and he's up in front of Pinhead as the Headmaster had heard a rumour going around Goldings about these visits to a lady of the night. Was it Mrs Jones at number 45, asked Pinhead, no said the boy, Miss Agnes then at the old vicarage, no said the boy, Miss Bartholomew then, no said the boy, Pinhead was a little irritated but as he had no proof he sends the boy out saying I will be watching you!

Back in the Dormitory his mates asked, Did Pinhead find out where you have been? No said the boy, but I've got 3 new addresses to try, so lets go.

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An old Goldings boy on his deathbed calls his wife over. 'Darling' he says 'When I die, will you please marry  XXXXXXXXX (another Goldings boy).'

His wife said 'but I thought you hated that boy when you were at Goldings'.

The Old boy replied "I still do"

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Did you hear about the Goldings boy who had five willies, matron said his underpants fitted him like a glove.

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After the Sunday church service the Rev Nixon asked why I was always the last to leave? I explained I was praying for a bike. The Rev Nixon with a smile on his face told me God did not work in that way. Next Sunday there I was praying after the others had left, The rev Nixon asked was I still praying for a bike, no was my reply I'm asking God to forgive me for nicking a bike from Hertford! on Saturday.

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An army major pops in to a Field hospital to visit three sick troopers. He goes up to the first private and asks What's your problem ,soldier "Chronic syphilis ,sir" And what treatment are you getting?
"Five minutes with the wire each day sir" , Whats your ambition asked the major...
" To get back to the front , Sir"."Good man" said the major then moves on to the next bed.

What's your problem soldier.."Chronic piles sir" And what treatment are your getting? Five minutes with a wire brush sir, "What's your ambition" To get back to the front sir." Good man" says the major and then moves on to the next bed.

"What's your problem soldier".?. Chronic gum disease sir "And what's your treatment you are getting"? "Five minutes with the wire brush each day sir".. Again the major asks "What's your ambition"?.

"To get the wire brush before the other two Sir.

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A gorilla walked into a quiet Waterford pub and putting down a five pound note asked the barman for a pint of bitter. The barman served him thinking "I bet he's a bit dim" then gave him back £1 in change, then wishing to be friendly said "We don't get many gorillas in here" "I bet you don't" replied the gorilla "If you charge them four quid a pint"

I looked out of my window today and saw an old tramp on his hands and knees eating the grass on my front lawn. My good man I shouted whatever are you doing eating that grass?, Well sir the tramp replied, "I'm so hungry that I'm having to eat grass" I told him to come round the back garden "You'll find its longer"

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True bravery is arriving home late after a night out with the boys & sneaking in the front door, only to be met by the wife with a broom in her hands & still having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning house or are you flying somewhere?'

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small 2-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search & rescue workers have recovered 126 bodies so far & expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

A QC got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the Home Secretary had failed & he was feeling tired & depressed. As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" & on & on...................................

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went & poured himself a very large whisky & headed off for a long hot soak in the bath...... pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered & was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little & went upstairs to give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent over naked drying his legs & feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

The QC whirled around & screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud woman, don't you ever stop?"

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Q: What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
A: I don't know, and I don't care.

Q: What do Catherine the Great, Attila the Hun, & Bozo the Clown have in common?
A: Same middle name.

Q: What do you call 20 social workers in a filling cabinet?
A: Sorted

Doctor to Goldings Boy: "Don't you realise that smoking can damage your health and it could kill you"

Goldings boy to Doctor: "Did you know that 100% of people who don't smoke die"

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A woman meets a Goldings boy who is sitting in bar all by himself. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his flat, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this man would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

She turns to him... they kiss...and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After an intense night of passion with this sensitive Goldings boy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, Well, how was it?" The Goldings boy says:

"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf!"

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An old Watts Boy in 67 had been hired by a well known Hertford Town supermarket. He was to start at the bottom, so when he reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom, and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But I'm a Watts Boy," the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."

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Goldings boy: "What would you like to do today?"

Watts Naval boy: "I'm not sure. Let's think..."

Goldings boy: "No, let's do something that you can do, too."

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Old Goldonian Murphy wants a Job in Hertford town centre click her for more information on how he got the job..

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A red Indian boy said to his father one day "Why do us red Indians have such funny names, dad." His father said "sit down my son and I will tell you. One day when your mother and I were making love and your brother was conceived, a deer ran by so we called him 'Running Deer' when he was born. Likewise with your sister it was under a harvest moon so that is what we called her 'Harvest Moon'. Does that answer your question Broken Rubber"

Brian Ball

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THE HARLEY SURGEON

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The  surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?" The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle and replied, "Sure, what's the question?" The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix' em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work? The surgeon paused, smiled, leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic....

"Try doing it with the engine running!"

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An old farmer had owned a large farm for years. He had a large pond in  the back, fixed up nice picnic tables, horse-shoe courts, basketball  court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when  it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the  pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he  neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he  came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in the  pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the  deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him. "We're not coming  out till you leave."

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim  or make you get out of the pond naked. I only came to feed the  alligator."

Moral: Old age and treachery will triumph over youth and skill, every time.

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HALLELUJAH - AMEN

A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way. The only way to make the donkey go is to say, "Hallelujah!"

The only way to make the donkey stop is to say, "Amen!"

The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher's instructions.

"Hallelujah!" shouted the man. The donkey began to trot. "Amen!" shouted
the man. The donkey stopped immediately.

"This is great!" said the man. With a "Hallelujah," he rode off very proud
of his new purchase.

The man travelled for a long time through some mountains. Soon he was
heading towards a cliff. He could not remember the word to make the donkey stop.

"Stop," said the man. "Halt!" he cried. The donkey just kept going.

"Oh, no ."

"Bible! Church! Please stop!" shouted the man. The donkey just began to
trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the cliff edge.

Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer... "Please, dear Lord, please
make this donkey stop before I go off the end of this mountain, in Jesus
name, AMEN."

The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff.

"HALLELUJAH!" shouted the man.

Jack Johnstone

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A woman's view

Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A. Shoot him again.

Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose

Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practising to be men.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him. or  Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.

Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because no one will stop and ask directions.

Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women...
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money furs and diamonds.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"

Send this URL to five bright, funny women you know and make their day!! And to five bright men who have the sense of humour to find this funny!

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THE DRUNK AND THE PRIEST

A drunken man was splashing through a river when he came across a priest who was baptising people, "would you like to find Jesus my son said the priest, yes said the drunk".

The priest took hold of the drunk and dunked his head under the water lifted him up and said "have you found Jesus my son, no said the drunk"

The priest took hold of the drunk and dunked his head again under the water and said again, "Have you now found Jesus my son, no said the drunk"

The priest now grabbed hold of the drunk again and dunked his head again under the water for more than 3 minutes until the drunk was flaying with his arms struggling to get up, "for the love of god my son, have you now found Jesus" said the priest.

The drunk who was coughing and spluttering looked at the priest and said, "are you sure this is where Jesus fell in"

Dixie Dean

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Hospital joke

A well-known cardiologist died & was given an elaborate funeral.  A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.   Following the eulogy, the heart opened & the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.  When confronted, he said "I'm sorry ..... I was just thinking of my own funeral ..... I'm a gynaecologist."

Mortuary Humour

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to show them what's happened.

A Detective Inspector is sent and is taken straight to the first body. "Englishman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress.

Hence the enormous smile Inspector", says the Coroner.

The DI is taken to the second dead man. "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." Nothing unusual here, thinks the DI, and asks to be shown the last body.

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Irishman, 30, struck by lightning." "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. "Thought he was having his picture taken.", replies the coroner
 

Dixie Dean

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The confessional

A man enters the confessional and says to the Priest "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had s*x with Fannie Green every week for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say 3 Hail Mary's."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had s*x with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest asks, "Who is "Fannie Green?"

"A new woman in the village," the sinner replies. "Very well," says the priest. "Go and say 10 Hail Mary's."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when, suddenly a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman sits with her legs slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the altar boy and asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"

The altar boy, whose eyes are popping out of his head, replies; "No Father, I think its just the reflection off her shoes."

Dr Rob

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Its always best to tell the truth

A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock. They got dressed quickly. Then the man asked his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked thinking him pretty weird.

The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I can not tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."

The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes and yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. YOU DAMN LIAR! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"

Frank

Jewish Section

Three old men are discussing their sex lives.

The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife & I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for 5mins at the end."

The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife & I had sex I rubbed her body all over with butter. We made passionate love and she screamed for 15mins.

The old Jewish man says, "Well last week my wife & I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with chicken schmaltz (kosher chicken fat), we made love & she screamed for one hour.

The Italian & Frenchman were stunned.

They replied, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for 1hr?"

The old Jewish man : "I wiped my hands on the drapes."

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A man was summoned to the local Tax office regarding his end of year tax return, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let them think you're a pauper."

Then he asked his friend  the same question, but got the opposite "Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested a resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi.

"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. Her mother advised, 'Wear a long, heavy flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. The friend said, 'Wear your sexiest negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel.'"

Confused, the man protested, "But what does all this have to do with my problem with the Tax Office?"

The rabbi replied, "Your situation is the same. It doesn't matter what you wear. You're going to get screwed."

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A rabbi was talking to a 80 year old man and asked him how he was feeling. 

"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The rabbi considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a man who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The rabbi continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the rabbi queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No".

The rabbi continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear." 

"That's what I'm getting at..." replied the rabbi

TOP

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Pinocchio

Pinocchio was walking down the street and he met his carpenter father  . . . "how's things going?"
"Well . . ." said Pinocchio, "I'm a bit fed up . . . "
"Why?" says the Carpenter,
"Well its the girls, they say I give them splinters when we make love"
"Oh!" says the carpenter, "..... ever thought of using sand paper"
"Good idea I'll try that!" replies Pinocchio.


Several days later they meet again.
How are things going with the girls says the carpenter

"Girls . . . . who needs girls!"

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The meaning of life

DATING: The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT: A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do  so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND: A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE: A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."

IRRITATING HABIT: What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

NYMPHOMANIAC: A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does. 

SOBER: A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

ATTRACTION: The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT: What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet. 

LAW OF RELATIVITY: How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

TOP

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Reminiscing before school girls

An Irish World War II pilot is reminiscing before a all girls school about his days in the air force. "In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember," he continues, "one day I was protecting our bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these three fokkers appeared.

At this point, several of the girls started to giggle.

"I looked up, and right above me was one of them. I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another Fokker behind me."

At hearing the pilot go on, the girls in the auditorium start to giggle. The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company"

"That's true," says the pilot, "but these fokker's were flying Messerschmidts."

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TRANSLATING WOMAN'S ENGLISH

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

We need = I want

I'm sorry = you'll be sorry

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure go ahead = I don't want you to

Is my arse fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful

Do what you want = you'll pay for this later

I'm not upset = of course I'm upset, you moron!

Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I hate my thighs

You're so.. Manly = you need a shave and you sweat a lot

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive

It's your decision = the correct decision should be obvious by now

You're certainly attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good Game on TV

How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like

TRANSLATING MEN'S ENGLISH

I'm hungry = I'm hungry

I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy

I'm tired = I'm tired

Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

I love you = Let's have sex now

I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?

That's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question

I love you too = OK, I said it, can we have sex now?

Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other men

You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you in the next 10 minutes

Let's talk = I'm trying to impress you by showing that I am deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me

I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

THERE'S MORE .....

1. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.

2. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

3. Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Which reminds me of a joke to slot in 

Question: Why do most women get married in white ?

Answer: All domestic appliances come in white. 

4. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me . . ."

5. How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

6. Why do men pass wind more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

7. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, whom do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

8. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won't do what she's told.

9. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."

10. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

11. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced.

12. Scientists have discovered a food that reduces a woman's sex drive  90%. It is called Wedding Cake.

13. Marriage is a 3-ring circus Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

14. Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me. "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

15. Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

16. Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of the world a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: That happens in every country, son.

17. A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds: "Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

18. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

19. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

20. Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't? Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed. Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.

21.Why did they call it PMT...Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

22. Remember.... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.
 

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Navy Joke

This is the script of an actual radio conversation of a US. naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995 in thick fog.

American war ship: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

American war ship: This is the captain of a US. Navy ship - I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No, I say again, divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision..

American war ship: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS MISSOURI, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP!

Canadians: This is a lightship. Your call."